The Sweet Lies We Tell Ourselves
by RosieCheeks101
Summary: Ellie returned to Toronto with the express purpose of telling him about the things she'd been struggling with lately, but when the time comes she may not be able to ask him for the help she needs. /TW for discussion of suicide


Chapter Management

Ellie snapped the elastic band on her wrist as she glanced around.

"El! I'm so sorry, I got held up at school!" Marco gasped as he nearly collided with the park bench she was sitting on, grabbing her elbow and staring at her with wide eyes.

"It's fine, Marco."

 _Lie, she'd worried herself sick when he didn't answer her call. And they'd missed their reservation._

He pecked her cheek quickly and sat on the bench beside her, "How long have you been waiting?"

"Oh, I got distracted with my article, I only got here a few minutes before you."

 _Another lie. She'd been sitting here for fifty minutes, and her rubber bands had rubbed her wrist raw by the twenty minute mark._

"Well, Miss Nash, my eternally amazing and forgiving best friend, how's life been during our months of separation?" Marco asked dramatically, leaning against her and wrapping an arm around her shoulder.

"Good, boring, quiet."

 _horrible, messy, she wanted to escape. She wanted it to end. She needed it to end._

He rolled his eyes and jabbed her side playfully, evoking a startled sound as she squirmed away from him, "Come on, any boys?" he teased, "I want all the gossip."

"I'm really sorry to disappoint Marco, but there's no one," she smiled and rested her head on his shoulder, "Single like a Pringle and I'm not ready to mingle."

 _For a while Sean had been back, but it ended as suddenly as it began and there was nothing she could do about it. Craig had been around a little bit too, she hadn't heard from him in a while though. Was he ignoring her?_

Marco smiled, "Come on, are you hungry? I know we missed our reservations but I also know you can never turn down some hot chips from The Dot," he teased and stood up, offering her a hand.

"Starving."

 _Liar, liar, pants on fire._

Ellie stood and hooked their arms together as she let him guide her through the streets of Toronto, eventually coming to The Dot, "Spin still working here?" Ellie managed to joke as they slipped inside and took a seat.

Marco snorted, "Yeah, actually, but he's out of town this week."

She raised an eyebrow, but was distracted as a waitress came over and they ordered quickly.

"It's good to see you El," he smiled once the waitress had left, "and it's good to see you so happy."

She smiled, "Good to feel happy."

 _More lying, why couldn't she tell Marco what she came here to say._

"So what is this mysterious article that brought you back to my loving arms?" Marco teased.

 _No. He wasn't meant to ask about the story._

"It's a piece on the education system, I'm travelling to a bunch of different schools, including Degrassi," she described.

 _There was truth to her lie, a writer she knew was working on that story. Ellie had turned it down._

"That sounds interesting," Marco smiled, "So is that why you wanted to meet up with me? Get the inside goss from Degrassi's youngest, hottest teacher?"

"Like you said, it's been months since we saw each other, I was missing you."

 _Four months, two weeks, five days. That was how long since she'd last made it to Toronto. That was how long since she'd last seen Marco. That was how long since she'd felt close to being happy._

"Also, I've been meaning to talk with you, but I.. uh, it should probably wait till we're back at your place." She exhaled slowly as she watched his face tighten with worry.

 _No backing out now. He knew something was up, he wouldn't let her leave without telling him._

"Sure, sweets," he smiled after a moment, and she smiled weakly at the nickname.

 _A real smile. That was new._

Their food arrived not long after, and Ellie barely picked at the chips as Marco spoke, trying to keep conversation light, "Did you hear about Paige's new girlfriend?"

"Ah, yeah, didn't really listen to the details though. I was working on an article at the time."

 _She hadn't spoken to Paige in at least a month. She hadn't spoken to anyone except for Marco and a few other journalists in at least a month, actually._

"Well her name's Trish, she's nice enough, a little boring though," Marco joked, polishing off his burger quickly and pushing his plate away, "Is there something wrong with your chips?"

Ellie paused, "Yeah, they're a bit cold. Doesn't matter, I'll eat something at your place," she shrugged, shoving the plate away and standing quickly. She was halfway to the door when she turned back to see Marco picking up a fry and biting down.

 _Please don't say anything please don't say anything._

He frowned and dropped the fry back to the plate, "Uh, yeah, cold," he nodded and followed her towards the door, "Gross. Spinner's gone for two days and the place goes to shit."

She relaxed, of course Marco wasn't going to make a scene in public. "Yeah," she laughed, "now take me to your amazing bachelor pad, Mr. Del Rossi."

It wasn't a long walk back to the apartment, and every step caused anxiety to flood through her veins.

 _She'd done nothing but lie since she'd arrived, was she really gonna tell him the truth when the time came?_

"You're being quiet, you okay?" Marco observed gently, squeezing her arm and dragging her out of her thoughts.

"Yeah, I'm fine, just thinking," she mumbled softly.

Marco was quiet for a few moments before leaning over to peck her cheek gently, "I'm glad you're back in town," he told her gently.

"How much further to your place?" Ellie asked instead of responding, glancing over at him anxiously and snapping the rubber band on her wrist again.

He sighed audibly, "Two blocks. This thing you wanna talk about, you're not pregnant are you?"

 _The idea of her with a child was almost comical in it's ludicrousness._

"God no, Marco! I told you there were no guys!"

 _Still a lie. But the first part was true, as far as she knew she wasn't pregnant._

"Good," he said softly, squeezing her hand as they rounded the corner to his apartment building, "Here we are."

He guided her up the stairs, and Ellie's palms were growing noticeably sweaty as they approached the apartment.

 _Breathe in. Out. Don't let the anxiety take hold._

Marco thankfully didn't question her once they were inside, just sat down at the bench and watched as Ellie began to move rapidly around the kitchen, "I'm sorry. I can't do this."

"Take your time," Marco said gently.

 _She was almost mad about how understanding Marco was, he was making it a lot harder to come up with a lie._

"I need a drink," she muttered, and her hand had no sooner wrapped around a bottle of whiskey when Marco appeared at her side, holding her wrist.

"El.."

She bit her lip, "I tried to kill myself again!"

That got the intended response and Marco went reeling, though in the process the bottle went tumbling to the ground, "When?"

 _No backing out now. She got herself into this mess. No more lies._

"Four months ago." A look something akin to anger fluttered across Marco's face before he buried the emotion, "It was Christmas, I was home for the holiday. I got as far as taking my dad's gun before I talked myself out of it."

Marco was leading her towards the couch, careful stepping around the glass that littered the ground.

"That should've been the end of it, I had convinced myself it wasn't worth it and I should have been able to move on. But I couldn't. I kept.. thinking about all the ways I could do it." Her wrist hurt, she hadn't even realised she'd been flicking her bands, "I'd wake up in the middle of the night and I'd move into the kitchen and pick up a knife and just.. look at it. Or I'd steal Craig's pills and I'd get as far as holding them all in my hand before it even dawned on me what I was doing."

Marco's frown had deepened briefly at the mention of Craig, but he quickly pulled her into his side, "Have you been seeing a therapist?" he asked cautiously.

 _Lie, lie! Say yes! Tell him you're getting help so he doesn't look at you with that stupid pitiful expression!_

"No, I travel too much for work for it to work, I've tried." The pause stretched out for a moment before she swallowed, "There's no story, by the way. I needed to see you, I needed to talk to you. I'm scared Marco," her voice cracked and tears began to slip down her cheeks, soaking into his shirt.

"I know, I know," Marco whispered as he rubbed her back. His voice was tight, and it made it clear he was just as scared as she was, "We're gonna work this out, alright? Together."

 _Together._


End file.
